How it looks: the questions

When I was tottering at the precipice of working and not, I struggled constantly. For months. Just as it was hard for me once to imagine life with a child, it became more impossible to conceive of a life with children and work.

I'll admit, I've had it easy the past five years, at least easier than some. I'm not suggesting even a tiny bit that being a full-time stay at home parent is just sprinkles and frosting, but it is not the same as trying to manage the demands of a family along with the needs of an employer.

I'd whine at ask myself and my husband, "How will it look?" I had no idea how the juggle would manifest itself - would I keep all the balls in the air, or would they be hitting me in the head and bouncing off each other in the least graceful and productive way?

Would I work part-time or more? From home or on site? Commute or local?

How would the children manage? In a very short time, Ellie went from no school, to three hours, three days a week, to three hours five days a week, to six hours five days a week. Would this be okay? Would it change her? Would I be able to be an active parent volunteer? Would I get to know the families in each child's class, or would I miss out on all of the chats and coffees of the stay at home moms with their kids on a shorter schedule?

Would I have time for myself? The gym? Keeping house?

Would it be enough? Would a part-time salary, offset by the added expenses of daycare, make a difference?

Would I be enough? Had my motherhood hiatus made my professional skills irrelevant? Could I do part-time work and still make a meaningful contribution? Would I feel good about doing less?

I didn't want to write about it, didn't want to share my anxieties and fears, even though I've learned that many former professionals have the same feelings about the same transition. I was stuck in it. I needed answers.

I started applying for jobs in May. The first two were part-time freelance positions in the non-profit sector for which I was moderately qualified.

I heard nothing until I heard that I'd not been hired. (Note to employers: if you never contact a prospective employee, I don't think you need to send out a super formal and nice rejection letter. If you never called, and we never met, I'll go ahead and assume I didn't get the job.)

I changed my resume, applied for three more jobs, was offered two of them, accepted one, and still didn't know what to expect. But at least now I knew my skills and experience were still marketable. I applied for another that didn't work out, and started networking as I had never networked before, and accepted a viable offer.

With the biggest piece of the puzzle in place, the rest of the details would follow.



And follow they will, but first, I have to drop Ellie at school and go to work....